On Conditionality

On Conditionality

Today, the world looks and feels like an entirely new place. My whole life, my Dad would tell me that “things always look better in the morning.” No matter how dark the night, no matter the situation, the Sun returns, and life continues, renewed with every dawn. I’m drinking my coffee black today as I gaze out the window, at a day that’s deceptively bright and beautifully hopeful. The crisp air outside feels more like fall than late spring, but who am I to complain? It’s refreshing. I wrap a blanket around my shoulders and try to refocus my mind. Roofers are coming today to check for a leak, and I would like to have straightened things up somewhat by then.

I want to help everyone. I want to make a difference in the world. I’ve recently been told I do this, which makes me feel wonderful. But I must resist the temptation to impose — it is not mine to try to hack into the deaf ears of those who have not asked me to intervene. It creates resistance in those individuals, thus helping to cement them in their position, rather than pulling them out of it. We cannot be “rescued” from our view of the world until we are ready and willing to leave it behind. I know this from my experience of myself, and those I’ve had with others. To love people unconditionally means to let go the attachment to their mental state, and to love them regardless — as I have been so fortunate as to have received, in my life. And I feel that the key to that must surely be to not take any of their worldview onto myself — not to enter their bubble, so to speak; for it is not that they need me to agree with them, either. I must hold my own space, and to be the Cause, not the effect any longer. I must silently radiate the feeling of love to them. If and when they ask, I’ll be here.

Tonight I will reach higher still in my consciousness. Mondays are my favorite nights, because on Mondays I Am given the opportunity to be of Service to all Life, and I Am forever grateful for this opportunity.

untitled

untitled

I was allowed to see myself

Through your eyes, today.

I’ve often wondered how people

View me —

But you —

You adore me

And it’s clear enough I can see it.

Is that what I did to you?

How I made you feel so wonderful?

Because it is wonderful.

When another one loves us

(Yes, I said it.)

so clearly, so sincerely,

that we may feel it, and the reasons why-

we’re freed to love those aspects of

Ourselves,

then,

too.

And the clinginess, the addictive grasping,

Is released into dust, when I Know:

I see God shining through you.

I love those qualities of your Presence

And I’m overjoyed to see them in your Outer.

 

…And you adore me so Because

You can see God in me.

Which delights me Because

That is exactly What I aspire to radiate.

 

Thank you for your impact on me

Disney Villains

Just when I think I have life figured out — or at least, have myself figured out, for I fully believe in “know thyself and you will know the universe and the Gods” — life comes around and smacks me in the face. Warning, this post is going to be vague as hell, because there’s a lot I can’t publish out there on the internet, even anonymously.

But this is hard. I knew what I wanted. I knew where I was going. And none of that’s changed. But something new has come into the picture, and it’s making me question a lot of things. Like what kind of a person I am, first and foremost.

We’re raised in this culture to believe in right and wrong, black and white, good and evil, light and dark. Sure, some “higher” teachings (ah, the dichotomy again in disguise) will tell you that we’re all one, and all is the Light, but those words cannot always just-so-easily break through years (possibly lifetimes) of being ingrained with Disney villains and heroes and white knights, and history itself, with its wars and its real life heroes and villains, determined by nothing more than who won and therefore lived to tell the story.

So I’ve read some teachings that say we’re all one, and in my head I believe it… How best, then, to solidify the concept within me, how best to make it “real” for me and to understand it fully, rather than as just a mental concept, other than to experience it?

I’m divorced, and I can safely say that XH and I regarded each other as Disney-villain types for several years. It took a long time, but we finally stopped looking for the “bad” in each other, and finally started viewing each other as real human beings. Which led us each to start behaving toward the other more like real human beings.

But I wasn’t done there. I’ve been stepping into the role of people I have judged. It’s a lesson in compassion, and the fact that most people aren’t evil or heartless, even if they do (X). Life can be messy and complicated, and the people who we think have screwed us over, are just doing the best they can with what they have, just like we are.

That’s all I’ve got for now, guys. Just the universe kicking my ass, making me question all my paradigms. Which is how we grow. That, or I’m secretly a horrible person. Peace.

Shout out goes here to my data backup guys, without whose help these words would have been lost.

It Takes a Village?

It Takes a Village?

I came up with the idea of doing this cooking co-op one time with a good friend who was looking for ways to save money. My initial idea was basically this — I cook almost every night for myself and my kiddo, and I’m decent at it. Why not have my friend come eat with us every night — or, since we’re both busy individuals, if he can’t make it to our house (an annoying 15 minute drive across town in GOOD traffic), why not just save out a portion of whatever I make into a Tupperware or mason jar, and let him eat it whenever and wherever it was convenient. I could do this without spending ANY extra a lot of the time, since I always cook plenty of food, which my kid and I are likely to finish on our own if it’s just us, but we shouldn’t, if you know what I’m sayin’. Other times, the cost increase would be minimal, compared to how much money (let alone time and effort) my friend would save.

But then I evolved the idea one step further. What if I provided dinners for my friend two thirds of the time (there are two in my household and one in his) and he returned the favor every third time (every third dinner, or every third week, or however we end up wanting to do this). He suggested we include another mutual friend, who’s vegan and gluten free, which would force us all to eat a lot healthier (something he does anyway and I wish I did). So I’m kind of excited to try this out. It will save all of us money, encourage me to eat healthier and in more reasonable portions, discourage me from dining out too often (further money and health saving!), and likely decrease food waste pretty dramatically. So I’m going to present this idea and see how well it works.

 

Another friend (the gluten free vegan one) recently asked me if I’d like to have a roommate. I have never wanted a roommate, but I feel like this girl would actually be a great influence on me, for lots of reasons, and wouldn’t take advantage of me (essential quality in a roommate). She gets along great with the kiddo, she said she’d help me take care of him, help clean, help teach kiddo to clean, run him around places, and just generally help out. She even offered to detail my car. Granted, this would all be in lieu of her being able to commit to a payment amount (she does a lot of freelance work and promised she’ll give me what she can), but I’ve been begging the Universe for help managing my life, so this might be the answer to everything I’ve been asking for. And if it’s not, my friend said she has other places to go, and she won’t feel bad at all if I tell her at any point that it’s not working out. And she’s one of the few people I would believe about something like that.

So my life is getting crazy right now, and I’m kind of digging it. I used to always joke that I was a hippie in my last lifetime — or that I came back when I did and was so bummed that I was too young to be a part of the hippie movement (ok, that last part didn’t used to be a joke). So I suppose it makes sense that I’m finding ways to incorporate some aspects of that life. I’ll let you know how well that all works out… stay tuned!

Starbucks

Starbucks

I’m sitting here in a Starbucks contemplating my life’s purpose. How cliche is that? I’m supposed to be working from home today, but I don’t work well from home. (I’m able to be productive, but I don’t like the feel of it — too isolating — and this coming from a bit of an introvert. Perhaps that’s why I don’t like it. It plays into my social anxiety and creates a vicious cycle of isolation in me. So I’m at Starbucks. Their WiFi is the best, and I’m not taking up someone’s “section” in a restaurant.) Apparently today I don’t work well from Starbucks either.

I’ve been feeling really burnt out. I try to just power through it, but when left to rely on my own willpower and drive, it’s not working out so hot. Next week I’ll be done with my other job, and I’ll allow myself a day off. They tried to call me and ask me to work mother’s day. Ha. The people pleaser in me tried to guilt me for saying no. The anti-establishment “soup stirring” rebel in me tried to kick my butt for not laughing in my manager’s face and making it a really colorful no. I happen to BE a mother, and I haven’t had a mother’s day off since my kiddo was old enough to remember.

It’s really cold outside for April. Almost my birthday now. The 20something still left in me wants to go out and make myself absolutely sick while I dance and sing karaoke. Maybe hire a limo service. The mystic in me wants to fast and meditate. Sometimes I think I’m complex, and sometimes I think I’m just bipolar, haha.

OK I’m going back to work. Catch you on the flip side. Do people still say that? Ugh.

Mumford and Prince

In a blog about the times we live in, nothing seems quite so appropriate today as a tribute to Prince, performed by Mumford and Sons. Check it out.

I loved Prince, but probably not as much as I should. I love Mumford, too, but not as much as my little brother does. They killed it on this one though.

That’s all I’ve got for now. Check back soon.